Leathernecks Confederation MC
Chapter 7 Humor

Subject: Marine career vs. Navy career

An old Navy Chief and an old Marine Gunny were
sitting at the VFW arguing about who'd had the tougher career.

I did 30 years in the Corps,' the Marine declared proudly, and
fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp I hit the
beach at Okinawa , clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and
eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade.

As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General Macarthur. We
pushed the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese
border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire.

Finally, as a gunny sergeant, I did three consecutive combat
tours in Vietnam . We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14
hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire
by day and mortar fire all night. In a firefight, we'd fire until our
arms ached and our guns were empty, then we charge the enemy with bayonets'.

'Ah', said the Sailor. 'You lucky bastard, all shore duty, huh?

Stud Fees

A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.
'Is yer Dad home?' the rancher asked.
'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'
'Well,' said the rancher, 'Is yer Mom here?'
'No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad.'
'How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?'
'He went with Mom and Dad.'
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely 'I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.'
'Well,' said the rancher uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant.'
The boy considered for a moment. 'You would have to talk to Pa about that', he finally conceded.
'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $100 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard.....

Marine In Hell

The Retired Marine

Rules for Dating a Marines Daughter

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they
appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots.
Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear
showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come
off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate,
when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.
Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely
back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as
it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until
she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget.
If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer
than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car.

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.
Places where there is darkness.
Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other
than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat.
Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay.
Hockey games are okay; Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter,
I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth,
the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in
over a rice paddy outside of Chu Lai. When my Agent Orange or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) starts acting up, the voices in my head
frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your
car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and
early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

You Are dismissed!

Murphy's Laws of Combat

Recoiless rifles...aren't.
Suppressive fire.....won't.
Friendly fire.....isn't.
Automatic weapons....aren't.
Incoming fire has right-of-way.
If the enemy is in range, so are you.
When in doubt, empty the magazine.
A sucking chest wound is nature's way of telling you it's time to slow down.
Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
Anything you do can get you shot...including doing nothing.
Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to get out.
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
Professionals are predictable, amateurs are dangerous.
The easy way is always mined.
Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.
If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a combat zone.
If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection.
No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat.
Communications will always fail the moment you need air or artillery support.
If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
You are not Superman. (Freshly graduated recruits from Marine boot camp and all fighter pilots, especially, take note.)
Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
When both sides are convinced that they are about to lose; they are both right.
Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire (This is why aircraft carriers are called bomb magnets.
All five-second grenade fuses will brun down in three seconds.
If you are forward of your position, the artillery will fall short.
The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.
The important things are always simple
The simple things are always hard.
When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
If the enemy are in range, SO ARE YOU.
Beer math is: Two beers times 37 men equal 49 cases.
Body count math is: Two guerrillas plus one portable plus two pigs equal 37 enemy KIA
Things that must be together to work, usually can't be shipped together.
Tracers work BOTH ways.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will have more than your fair share of objectives to take.
Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs
Murphy was a grunt.

Al Jazeera & the Marine Sniper

A so-called reporter for the Al Jazeera News Network, a staunchly pro-Arab news organization, was interviewing a Marine sniper in Basra,
a militant hotbed of Al Quaeda activity.
Sarcastically, in an attempt to produce an anti-American sound bite for the news, the reporter asked
"Do you feel anything at all when you shoot a brave Al Quaeda freedom fighter from so far away?"

The Marine sniper shrugged. "A little recoil," he replied.

Officers vs NCOs

There were 2 groups of Marines waiting on the platform to catch the train, 10 officers and 10 NCO's.
The officers all had tickets, but noticed the group of NCO's purchased only one ticket. Curious about what they would do,
the officers kept a close eye on the NCO's. A few minutes after boarding the train, the conductor came by to collect
the passengers tickets. While he was busy with the other passengers, the group of NCO's got up and jammed
into one of the small bathrooms in the car. The conductor came by knocked on the door, "ticket please."
The NCO's slid the single ticket under the door and it was collected by the conductor. This made a very positive
impression on the officers. They discussed the pros and cons and made up their minds to try the technique on the
return trip. The next day the same two groups assembled at the train station. The group of officers brought one
ticket and the NCO's didn't buy any. Puzzled by this move, the officers boarded the train and carefully watched the NCO's.
The conductor appeared shortly after the start of the trip and the officers jammed into the bathroom. The NCO's headed
for the adjoining bathroom. One NCO stopped, knocked on the officers' bathroom and said "ticket please." The NCO took
the ticket and joined his comrades in the second bathroom.

Sports and Stature

The National Science Foundation announced the following study results on U.S. military recreation preferences:
1. Sport of choice for Marines: bowling.
2. Sport of choice for Sailors: football.
3. Sport of choice for Soldiers: baseball.
4. Sport of choice for Coast Guardsmen: tennis.
5. Sport of choice for Airmen: golf.
Notice how the farther down the list you go, the smaller their balls get.

How the Marines became a branch under the Department of the Navy:

It seems that after WW I, the war to end all wars, the US Govt. had a lot of surplus material that they had no use for.
What to do with it was a problem, and it was finally decided to hold an auction and sell everything off.

The day of the auction came, and progressed smoothly throughout the day. At the end of the day, everything had been
sold off except the Marines and an old jackass.

Not wanting anything left over, the govt. decided to flip a coin between the Army and Navy, the winner getting their choice of the two left over items.

The Army won the toss, and the rest is history.

Communication Breakdown...

The reason the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines squabble among themselves is that they don't speak the same language.
For example, take a simple phrase like, "Secure the building."

• The Army will put guards around the place.
• The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
• The Air Force will take out a 5-year lease with an option to buy.
• The Marines will kill everybody inside and make it a command post.

The Prayers of Officers

One day, three O-6s were hiking together and unexpectedly came upon a wide, raging, biolent river. They needed to get to the other side,
but had no idea of how to do so.

The Air Force Colonel called out to God, praying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river."
POOF!
God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across. It did, however, take him more than an hour and he almost
drowned a couple of times.

Seeing this, the Army Colonel played to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and tools to cross this river."
POOF!
God gave him a rowboat and oars. He was able to row across but it still took almost an hour, it was very rough, and he almost
capsized several times.

The Navy Captain saw how things worked out for the other two, so when he prayed to God, he said, "Pleae God, give me the strength,
tools, and the intelligence to cross this river."
POOF!
God turned him into a Marine Lance Corporal. He looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, and walked across the bridge.

The Superior Service

A Marine GySgt and Navy Chief were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service.
After a swig of beer the Marine says, "Well, we had Iwo Jima."
Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, "We had the Battle of Midway."
"Not entirely true", responded the Marine. "Some of those pilots were
Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named after a Marine
pilot killed at the Battle of Midway."
The sailor responds, "Point taken."
The Marine then says, "We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!"
The sailor, nodding agreement, says, "But we had John Paul Jones."
The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will
end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "The Navy invented
sex!"

The Marine replies, "That is true, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women.

The General and the Captain

During a staff meeting at a Marine base, a young Captain disagreed with everything being discussed.
The Commanding General, grew annoyed, and let the younger officer know it.
"Well, sir," said the Captain, "I doubt you made General by agreeing with everything someone else recommended."

"That's true," said the general, leaning in. "But that is how I made Major."

SGLI

Private Jones was assigned to the Marine induction center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits,
especially their Serviceman's Group Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasn't long before the center's Lieutenant noticed that Private Jones
had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Lt. stood in the back
of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and then said. "If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed,
the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government
has to pay only a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

Commanding the Dumb

A group of recruits standing in formation when their Drill Instructor gave the command, "All right! All you dummies fall out."
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one remained at attention.
The DI walked over until he was eye-to-eye, and then just raised a single eyebrow. The recruit smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh sir?"

THE Marine Corps Version of Genesis

In the beginning was the word, and the word was God.
In the beginning was God, and all else was darkness and void, and without form. So God created the heavens and the Earth. He created the sun, and the moon, and the stars, so that light might pierce the darkness. The Earth, God divided between the land and the sea, and these he filled with many assorted creatures.

And the dark, salty, slimy creatures that inhabited the murky depths of the oceans, God called sailors. And He dressed them accordingly. They had little trousers that looked like bells at the bottom. And their shirts had cute little flaps on them to hide the hickeys on their necks. He also gave them long sideburns and shabby looking beards. God nicknamed them "squids" and banished them to a lifetime at sea, so that normal folks would not have to associate with them. To further identify these unloved creatures, He called them "petty" and "commodore" instead of titles worthy of red-blooded men.

And the flaky creatures of the land, God called soldiers. And with a twinkle in His eye, and a sense of humor that only He could have, God made their trousers too short and their covers too large. He also made their pockets oversized, so that they may warm their hands. And to adorn their uniforms, God gave them badges in quantities that only a dime store owner could appreciate. And He gave them emblems and crests... and all sorts of shiny things that glittered...and devices that dangled. (When you are God you tend to get carried away.)

On the 6th day, He thought about creating some air creatures for which he designed a Greyhound bus driver's uniform, especially for Air Force flyboys. But He discarded the idea during the first week, and it was not until years later that some apostles resurrected this theme and established what we now know as the "Wild-Blue-Yonder Wonders." And on the 7th day, as you know, God rested.

But on the 8th day, at 0730, God looked down upon the earth and was not happy. No, God was not happy! So He thought about His labors, and in His divine wisdom God created a divine creature. And this He called Marine. And these Marines, who God had created in His own image, were to be of the air, and of the land, and of the sea. And these He gave many wonderful uniforms. Some were green; some were blue with red trim. And in the early days, some were even a beautiful tan. He gave them practical fighting uniforms, so that they could wage war against the forces of Satan and evil. He gave them service uniforms for their daily work and training. And He gave them evening and dress uniforms... sharp and stylish, handsome things... so that they might promenade with their ladies on Saturday night and impress the hell out of everybody! He even gave them swords, so that people who were not impressed could be dealt with accordingly. And at the end of the 8th day, God looked down upon the earth and saw that it was good. But was God happy? No! God was still not happy! Because in the course of His labors, He had forgotten one thing: He did not have a Marine uniform for himself. He thought about it, and thought about it, and finally God satisfied Himself in knowing that, well... not everybody can be a Marine!

A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail,
for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a
hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike,
rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned .

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?

(yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"

Marines on a Hunting Trip

Two Marines were off on their annual trip to the Canadian wilderness to bag a moose. As the seaplane landed on a lake in a remote area, the pilot said, "I'll be back in one week to pick you up. But only one moose, please."
When he returned to the lake, he found the Marines proudly standing beside two moose. "I told you Marines only one moose!" the furious flier screamed. "There's NO WAY the plane can take off with that much weight!"

"You're just a chicken pilot," one Marine said. "We killed two moose last year and that pilot wasn't afraid to take off."
Stung by the suggestion of cowardice, he reconsidered.
"All right, if you did it last year, I guess we can try it."

They loaded up and the pilot taxied to the far end of the lake to begin his takeoff. The plane bounced across the water as it strained to get airborne, but the overloaded aircraft finally ran out of space and crashed into the trees.

Some time later, the Marines regained consciousness. "Where are we?" one asked.
His friend looked around at the scattered debris, then back at the edge of the lake and replied,
"Oh, I guess about a hundred yards farther than last year."

Shave and a haircut

The Gunny turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

Transition

1. I am in the military, I have problems.
This acknowledgment is the first step to recovery...

2. Speech: Civvy time does not begin with a zero or end in a hundred, ie It is not "zero five three zero" or "fourteen hundred" it is "five thirty" or "two o'clock".
Words like "deck", "farter", and "PT" will get you strange looks; use their proper names eg floor, bed, workout, .
"F*ck" should not be used to replace whatever word you can't think of right now, try "umm".
Grunting is not communicating
It's a phone, not a radio, conversations on a phone do not follow a set procedure and do not end in "out".

3. Style:
Do not put creases in your jeans or on the front of your dress shirts.
Do not iron your collar flat.
A hat indoors does not make you a bad person
You do not have to wear a belt ALL the time.

4. Women:
Not all women like to take orders and most will probably punch you in the nuts if you treat them like one of your diggers .
Being divorced twice by the time you are 25 is not normal, neither are 6 month marriages, even if it is your first.

5. Personal accomplishments:
In the real world, being able to do lots of push-ups will not make you good at your job.
You will disturb most people if you tell them about people you have seen die.
How much pain you can take is not seen as a personal accomplishment.

6. Drinking:
That time you drank a full slab of beer and peed in your wardrobe is not a good conversation starter.
That time you went to the combat survival school and practiced giving vodka IV's will also not be a good conversation point .

7. Bodily functions:
Farting on your co-workers and then giggling while you run away may be viewed as "childish".
The size of the dump you took yesterday will not be funny no matter how big it was, how much it burned, or how much it stunk.
Don’t make fun of someone for being sick, no matter how funny it is.
Getting VD or passing it on will also not be funny.

8. The human body:
Most people will not want to hear about your nuts, their size, whether they itch, how they fit into your jocks….odd as that may seem, it's true.

9. Spending habits:
One day, you will have to pay bills.
Buying a $60,000 car on a $35,000 a year salary is a really bad idea.
One day you will need health insurance.

10. Interacting with civilians:
Making fun of your neighbour to his face for being fat will not be acceptable .

11. Real jobs in Civvy Street:
They really can fire you.
On the flip side you really can quit.
Screaming at the people that work for you will not be normal, remember they really can quit too.
Taking long smokos will not be acceptable.
Remember it’s 9-5 not 0530 to 1800.

12. The Law:
“Contact counselling “ is not condoned .
Your workplace, unlike your command can't save you and probably won't, in fact most likely you will be fired about 5 minutes after they find out you've been arrested.
Fighting is not a normal thing and will get you really arrested, not yelled at before they ask you if you won.

General knowledge:
You can in fact really say what you think about the President in public.
Pain is not weakness leaving the body, it's just pain.
People don't wear anything shiny that tells you they are more important then you are, be polite to all.
And Lastly....Read contracts before you sign them, remember what happened the first time……..

Homesickness

"Yes, but his is worse than for most of us - his father owns a tavern."

Optical Illusion

Stare at the dot in the center, concentrate on it and then move your head closer and then away and watch the gears begin to move.

Rules of Combat

USMC
1. Bring a weapon. Preferably, bring at least two. Bring all your friends who have weapons. Bring their friends who have weapons.
2. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
3. Only hits count. Close doesn't count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.
4. If your shooting stance is good, your'r probably not moving fast enough, nor using cover correctly.
5. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movements are preferred)
6. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a big weapon and a friend with a big weapon.
7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance or tactics. The will only remember who lived and who didn't.
8. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading and running.
9. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting is more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the weapon.
10. Use a weapon the works EVERY TIME. "All skill is in vain when an Angel pisses in the flintlock of your musket"
11. Someday someone may kill you with your weapon, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
12. In combat there are no rules, alway cheat, always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
13. Have a plan.
14. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.
15. Use cover and concealment as much as possible. The visible target should be in FRONT of YOUR weapon.
16. Flank you adversary when possible. Protect yours.
17. Don't drop your guard.
18. Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees.
19. Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them).
20. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
21. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.
22. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
23. Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
24. Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong committment to avoidance, deterrence and de-escalation.
25. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with a ".4"

Army
1. See USMC Rules of Combat
2. Add 60 to 90 days.
3. Hope the Marines already destroyed all meaningful resistance.

Navy
1. Spend three weeks getting somewhere.
2. Adopt an agressive offshore posture.
3. Send in the Marines.
4. Drink coffee.
5. Bring back the Marines.

Air Force
1. Kiss the spouse good-bye.
2. Drive to the flightline.
3. Fly to the target area, drop bombs, fly back.
4. Pop in at the club for a couple with the guys.
5. Go home, BBQ some burgers and drink some more beer.